PsycHacks

Episode 88: ”Persona 5” and confidants

All other things being equal, the older you get, the harder it becomes to make new friends. So how do you go about forming new friendships as an adult? I'll examine this question through the lens of "Persona 5," and excellent JRPG. In turns out this game has a fairly accurate blueprint on how to progress from casual acquaintance to intimate confidant. The keys are time, shared interests, and reciprocal self-disclosure.

Episode 87: Hold people like sand

Control isn't the basis of a loving, long-term relationship, because control is ultimately disrespectful and unsustainable. The key to a respectful and enduring relationship is to hold the other like sand: not too loose, but definitely not too tight. Like sand, the tighter you attempt to hold others, the more they will slip through your fingers. Gentle support keeps more sand in your hands for longer periods of time.

Episode 86: Simple isn’t easy

It's often the case that the solution to some of our most long-standing and intractable problems is incredibly simple. However, we are subject to creating unnecessary complexity as a defense mechanism in order to embed the problem in our lives. Much of my work as a therapist is the gradual and systematic dismantling of such unnecessary complexity to arrive at greater simplicity. This reveals two truths about simplicity: it isn't easy and it's a sign of mastery.

Episode 85: Humility is knowing your proper size

One of the paradoxes of the human experience is that we are all both very, very big and very, very small at the same time. Humility is knowing one's proper size. This means that it is not simply an attitude to be cultivated in those who are more self-important than they really are. Humility must also be nurtured in those who -- in believing they are smaller than they really are -- withdraw from life and self-realization. Humility means understanding that you are not incapable of realizing your potential.

Episode 84: Attend to your soil

In a previous episode, "Be a ruthless gardener," I spoke on the importance of pulling up the negative thoughts that can proliferate in your consciousness like weeds without pity or remorse. However, if you do not attend to the soil -- the conditions from which the thoughts emerge -- you will likely be doing a lot of gardening in your life. By attending to your well-being and surrounding yourself with supportive relationships, you might not have to do as much work in the long run.

Episode 83: The stress-diathesis model of mental illness

The most popular belief concerning the origin of mental illness is that it is caused by imbalances in individual brain chemistry. However, there is actually little empirical evidence to support this hypothesis. A theory with more robust support is the stress-diathesis model, which basically states that psychological issues emerge when sufficient stressors converge on an individual to diminish their natural resilience. I will discuss further in this episode.

Episode 82: The gift of your absence

If someone in your life has become unjustifiably critical, disrespectful, or unappreciative, it might be time -- at least for a little while -- to give them the gift of your absence. The key to doing this is to leave the relationship before you feel no longer capable of giving your best. When you do this, people might actually miss you and remember why they were in a relationship with you to begin with. However, if you complain and attack before leaving, then others will only feel relief when you're gone.

Episode 81: Be afraid of your fear

The key to doing something you fear is cultivating a larger fear of not doing it. In this episode, I'll discuss this principle using an anecdote from my personal life about overcoming my approach anxiety. By remembering how badly I would feel after avoiding my goal, I was finally able to move forward in spite of my fear. This is a tactic that is widely generalizable.

Episode 80: How to be disciplined

In the course of my clinical practice, I often talk with folks who struggle with discipline. They know what they "should" do, but -- when the time comes to act -- they find it difficult to resist the pull of learned behavior. In this episode, I briefly discuss the key to discipline, which I call "channeling your inner postman." See your commitment as a duty imposed upon you with the full force of a contractual obligation and surrender to that structure. Feelings have nothing to do with it.

Episode 79: Rest is not a waste of time

I speak to many stressed-out, burned-out folks in my clinical practice. And a common refrain from them all is that they're "too busy to rest." Supporting this statement is an underlying proposition that rest is a waste of time. However, this is a false and ineffective belief. Rather than view rest as "unproductive," I would like you to consider that it is an essential component of long-term success. I discuss more in this episode.