PsycHacks

Episode 207: The truth about commitment

The ugly truth about commitment is that if you are committed up until the point that you aren't, you were never committed to begin with. And it's this "uncommitted commitment" that is one of the factors primarily responsible for the sorry state of dating today. Even our highest form of commitment -- the institution of marriage -- has become an at-will relationship that can be unilaterally terminated by one party at any time, at no fault of the other, and often to the benefit of the party breaching the agreement. And this is the outcome that occurs more than half of the time. Such a commitment is a liability, as it gives people the illusion of security that is not supported by the reality of the agreement.

#commitment #marriage #relationships

Episode 206: The balance of pain and pleasure

The asymmetricality of pain and pleasure is one of the most infuriating aspects of being alive. Not only are there many more different flavors of pain than there are of pleasure, pain is generally experienced as being more painful than pleasure is pleasurable. This means, in order to have a non-miserable life, you need significantly more pleasure than pain. The same is true in your relationships. In this episode, I'll discuss John Gottman's "magic ratio" of positive-to-negative experiences required to make relationships flourish.

#pleasure #relationships #love

Episode 205: Be careful about asking for advice

It's important to be careful about asking for advice. Ask too many people and you're bound to get conflicting direction. Ask the wrong people and you'll receive bad counsel. In relaying a personal anecdote, I discuss some of the "do's" and "don't's" of asking for advice, including only asking help from folks who have what you want or who have a demonstrated ability to do what you want to do. I'll also share a much better question to ask your helpers to receive more practical advice.

#advice #help #mentors

Episode 204: How to handle failure like a pro

If you want to be great, then you must accept the inevitability of failure. The greatest athletes in any sport have lost more games than the average player ever wins, simply by virtue of their continued excellence over time. In fact, professional athletes offer a fantastic model for coping with failure: it's reality-based, non-defensive, and future-oriented. I'll discuss more in this episode.

#failure #athletes #lebron

Episode 203: Why bad habits persist

At their core, all vices are amnestic disorders. The reason they persist is that -- at the moment of decision -- people forget the pain and suffering that have consistently attended the behavior in the past and focus exclusively on the short-term pleasure. In the words of Sigmund Freud: "we can either remember, or we can repeat." The way out of this trap requires mindfulness, which is how we generally talk about the original Pali word that can also be translated as "remembering." I'll discuss more in this episode.

#mindfulness #habits #selfimprovement

Episode 202: How to be extraordinary in life

Research indicates that the majority of people believe that they are above average in most domains, and that most people believe that they deserve more recognition than they receive. Given the popularity of such beliefs, there is little extraordinary about them. On the other hand, humility -- the practice of finding peace with being extra ordinary -- is an extremely rare attribute. By unpacking the mystery of this word, we find a path toward extraordinariness that is open to everyone.

#extraordinary #humility #peace

Episode 201: Life is a mystery to be experienced

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be experienced. One of the corollaries of this position is that reducing reality to the rationally comprehensible -- while potentially intellectually comforting -- diminishes the experience of that reality. The fact of the matter is that the universe has no obligation to "make sense" to us, and certain things must just be accepted for what they are.

#life #mystery #wisdom

Episode 200: What is the sexual marketplace?

The sexual marketplace is everywhere, and we are all a part of it. Whether we like it or not, our perceived value in this marketplace -- more than any other single factor -- determines our optionality relative to potential sexual partners at any given place and time. In this episode, I will introduce the sexual marketplace by way of an extended metaphor: that of a harbor or pier where men present their vessels for women's inspection.

#dating #relationships #harbor

Episode 199: Dating: Hunting versus fishing

There are two general ways to approach dating: you can hunt or you can fish. It's good for men and women to know how to do both. However, in general, the higher your sexual marketplace value, the more likely hunting will be a successful strategy for you, and vice versa. In this episode, I will briefly delineate the differences between the two approaches. One is not necessarily better than the other, though they are quite distinct in their approach to mate selection.

#dating #hunting #fishing

Episode 198: What men and women look for in sexual partners

Men and women are different. And one of the most relevant of those differences for dating is the fact that men and women prioritize different things in sexual selection. One of the fallacies that I see both sexes operating under in the modern dating scene is assuming that what one is attracted to is also what will attract the opposite sex. This causes both men and women to signal the "wrong things" in the sexual marketplace. I'll discuss further in this episode.

#dating #sex #gender