PsycHacks

Episode 255: Why successful men cheat

Cheating seems to be rampant among successful men. Despite coming from different walks of life, and advancing up independent dominance hierarchies, men in top positions seem to be remarkably consistent in this behavior. This can't be just a coincidence. At first blush, cheating in successful men makes little-to-no sense, because the risk-reward profile is insanely high. However, if we change the way we look at things, this behavior can be understood (without judgment). I'll discuss more in this episode.

#cheating #power #success

Episode 254: Dating for shared interests

Many people often approach dating through the lens of shared interests. While there is a grain of wisdom to this perspective, it ultimately doesn't make a lot of sense to do this. And there are two main reasons for this. First: shared interests are factual disclosures, and factual disclosures do not increase attraction or chemistry (which is what people are generally looking for in a relationship). And second: your interests (and your partner's interests) will change in time. If the basis of your relationship is your shared interests, how will it continue when those interests inevitably shift?

#dating #attraction #relationship

Episode 253: Insight is not enough

Before I began my training as a therapist, I believed that insight was the royal road to mental health. The belief was that if folks just understood why they do the things that they do, they would be able to use that awareness to solve whatever difficulty they happened to be facing. However, my time at an outpatient substance abuse clinic disabused me of that belief. During that time, I worked with many alcoholics who were incredibly insightful into the nature of their addictions, but who remained addicts nonetheless. I'll speak more about this in this episode.

#insight #therapy #psychology

Episode 252: The origin of free and equal relationships

In our culture, we tend to have a very negative opinion associated with asking "what's in it for me?" in the context of our close and intimate relationships. It is perceived as selfish, or even mercenary. However, I'm here to argue that asking this question is actually the origin of free and equal relationships, provided both parties are at liberty to ask it. On the contrary, any relationship where one party is discouraged (or prevented) from asking the question is exploitative, by definition.

#relationship #equality #freedom

Episode 251: Nothing ever ends, we just move on

Today I'll be speaking of the myth of completion: what it is and where it comes from. I argue that belief in the idea of completion is something of a perceptual artifact, an unintended consequence of a certain point of view. From the perspective of an observer, things end; however, from the perspective of a creator, nothing ever ends. There is just the decision to move on. The repercussions for relationships are also discussed.

#relationship #breakup #complete

Episode 250: Why people get married when they do

This talk will be a continuation of my previous episode "When are men and women most attractive?" So be sure to listen to that one first. In this episode, I'll be taking some of the results discussed in the peer-reviewed article "Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets" (link below) one step further, namely: by advancing my own hypothesis on why people get married when they do. Given the data on perceived desirability across the lifespan, it makes sense from a game theory perspective that women would push for long-term commitment while the desirability gap still favors them. The data show that this gap switches preference around 30 years of age. Is it just a coincidence that the median age of women at first marriage in the US is 29 years-old?

"Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets": https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.aap9815

#marriage #dating #relationship

Episode 249: When are men and women most attractive?

In this episode, I'll be unpacking some of the results of the peer-reviewed research described in the article, "Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets" (link below). After analyzing the private, anonymous behavior of hundreds of thousands of heterosexual men and women on a popular dating app across four independent metropolitan areas, the researchers discovered a number of surprising (but consistent) findings. Today I'll be talking about one of them: desirability as a function of age. Apparently, women were most desirable to men at 18 years-old, and men were most desirable to women at 50 years-old. It turns out that men like younger women in large part because women like older men.

"Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets": https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.aap9815

#dating #attraction #relationship

Episode 248: Respect means different things to men and women

A common complaint that I hear from women in the dating market is that men don't seem to know what to do with them. They don't take initiative; they don't confidently lead the relationship; they don't know where to "put their hands" (both figuratively and literally). Where have all the real men gone? After giving it some thought, I realized that these issues may have an unlikely culprit: the concept of respect. Respect might mean different things to men than it does to women, and these differences might be impacting the dating game in ways we haven't yet fully appreciated as a culture. In this episode, I will discuss three of these potential differences.

#respect #dating #relationship

Episode 247: The most common cognitive bias

Human beings are prone to all kinds of biases. However, there is one that is so prevalent across cultures that psychologists have given it a special name: the fundamental attribution error. Almost certainly, this error is active in your own mental processes, and to your detriment. In this episode, I will explain what the fundamental attribution error is (using concrete examples), as well as discuss what to do about it, if you're looking to make a change.

#bias #psychology #psychologyfacts

Episode 246: Exclusivity is expensive

In this episode, I will discuss the principles of commitment and exclusivity. All exclusivity is committed, but not all commitment is exclusive. To explain the differences between these two concepts, I will use an economic model, which reveals the degree to which exclusivity of all kinds must (of necessity) be substantially more expensive than mere commitment. The consequences for romantic relationships are also duly discussed.

#exclusive #commitment #relationship